The best way that I can describe what happened,the nuclear fallout from my heart and all that, is through fiction. I hope the story is clear enough. I hope that you can see past the story-telling and see the truth behind it. This is probably the closest I'll ever get to explaining it.
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THE DEATH OF V'S HEART
And then out of the fog one day appeared a young man from a land distant and especially tormented by the fog. He came seeking the clear patches, the lands where there was no fog, a haven he could bring his child and his wife (who, however temperamental and verbally abusive to him, was still his wife nonetheless). However, when the man stepped out from the clutches of the fog and into the sunlight, thinking he was safe for he was finally in the light, he fell into even greater danger than he was in when he lived in the fog. He blinked his eyes and shielded them from the intensity of the glorious brightness; his quick, clever, and golden eyes fell on the young V. Mere moments passed and soon the young man had forgotten why he was there...or that he was spoken for.
To his credit, X (for that was his name), was not a bad man, nor did he hold in his heart false or superficial love for V. He told her the truth of why he had left his homeland, and the truth about his wife and child. He told her all of it. And she accepted it, with a mixture of naivete and sincerity. X vowed to end his marriage and start his new life with V.
So they fell into a deep love. True love. Passionate love. But the people of the village, knowing the man's past, threatened to banish them both if they did not go their separate ways. X offered to go, to spare V, but it was too late. Her heart was now his, and V saw him as her past, present, and future. They had spoken of marriage, of children, and a happy life together. So they stepped out together from the haven of light and into the fog, thinking it would be worth it to live in the darkness and obscurity as long as they could be together.
They traveled in the fog for a year and suffered greatly. But through pure love, they managed to stay together. The enemies of the light saw their chance, and sprung a trap when the couple were at their weakest. They locked them in a tower. The girl V prayed for a miracle for two years while they were locked up. She hoped, she prayed. Then she remembered an old adage from her bible, "When two are in agreement in prayer on earth, so it shall be done in Heaven." She turned to X and was about to convince him to pray with her, when the enemies stepped in and dragged X out. He was gone for exactly 10 minutes.
They said to him, "X, why are you suffering with that childish girl? You should be with your son and his mother, both of whom you owe a livelihood. Think of your child, without a father. Alone, and possibly suffering at the hands of his mother and her family." X's heart started to fall. However, it wasn't enough. He loved V, and he would start a life with her as he had vowed. He'd figure out some way to take care of his son afterward. So the enemies tried another approach. They opened a door to the left of X and said, "Come out and show yourself, A." And out from the dark room emerged a slender, graceful young woman. She was the opposite of V, she was elegant, soft, delicate, dainty, and refined. She looked up at X and her face filled with an immense happiness. "X!!! I thought I had lost you forever!" She raced to X and hugged him with her silky arms. X replied, "A! I thought you had married to another man, what are you doing here?" A replied, "I never married him, I couldn't. Not while I was still in love with you, X." X's face filled with pain. You see, A was the first love of X. His real love. The one that got away. Out of his misery at having lost A he married the horrid woman who was now his wife.
The enemy smiled. They had X trapped. The poor young man was in pain, torn apart by his new love and his old love. He was too young to see through the lies of the enemy; he did not see how they had used him, since the very beginning, to sabotage V. It was they who had taken A from him, then led him to the wife he had now, and then to V, for they knew of V's yearning for love and her loneliness and the young man's weakened heart and thirst for a new beginning. And poor X, he never saw the truth.
He came back into the room, but V was asleep. He held her once more, smelled her hair,and gently glided his fingers across her cheeks,nose, forehead, and chin. He kissed her gently, like the kiss of a ghost.
In the morning, the enemy explained it all to V. They tried to break her.V saw it as a test of whether or not she truly loved him, so she held out hope and continued to pray. At least, she did at first.
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THE RECONCILIATION
The enemy tormented her night, day, and even in dreams. They said horrible things about X never having truly loved V, that V wasn't worth loving, that V fell for a trap. That V had sinned so horribly because X had been married, and now it was sure that God would never forgive her. They told her V was going to hell. She would never see Heaven. Finally, V snapped. Her heart broke. So they let her go, she was dead inside, they had done their job. However, she didn't get very far because the enemy realized where she was going, back to her family in the land of light. V had just an ounce of hope left and she thought to go to her family and heal her wounds there. Oh no no no,that wouldn't do, after all the enemy went through so much trouble to get her to step inside the fog so they could destroy her.
V was sickeningly weak, so they easily caught up to her, wrapped her up tightly so that she couldn't speak to God, then chained her to mutated reptilian steeds and dragged her through the fog. Then V's heart finally started to die, and there was little left inside of her.
The fog parted for a moment and a figure presented itself. He waited patiently for V to ask for help, but she stubbornly held her silence in her dead heart. She was at the brink of total self-destruction. Finally He said, "Ask, and you shall receive." V spit at Him and started a violent tirade of all the things that had happened to her the last three years. He told her she was like a phoenix, and it was time to burst from the ashes. He told her she was a caterpillar, who when it thought it's world was over, turned into a butterfly. He said she was like the carp in the old tale, who tenaciously jumped and jumped and tried to swim up a waterfall that reached up to Heaven, until one day it reached the golden gate atop the waterfall and transformed into a golden, powerful dragon. He told her she had the ferocity of a lion, the focus and speed of a cheetah, the nobility and wisdom of a wolf, the pride and ambition of a dragon, the sight of a hawk, the song of a bluebird, the charisma of a mockingbird, and the joy and humility of a hummingbird. "I made you with all these things in mind. I made you to shine in the worst of conditions. I made you to fight, to overcome, to prevail, to shine gloriously for Me in the deepest of the darkness, to love fiercely, to battle, to triumph. You are My young and brave, though just, compassionate, and warm-hearted, Warrior Princess. It is time to break free." V merely stared at Him blankly. She held up her chin defiantly and stubbornly. She challenged His words with her glare. He grew angry and threatened, "If you say nothing now, your prayers will never reach My ears again." And with that the fog began to creep back in and take her to her complete death. V panicked. She could feel her heart beats falling apart and fading away. So V shouted out the truth. She was angry with Him. She was so incredibly angry with Him that it consumed her. She was angry that she wasted her prayers and her tears and her hope for three years with no rescue to come as a result. Where was He? She was angry that X had abandoned her, she was angry that she had fallen in love with him. She was angry at Him for letting her fall in love with someone who would only hurt her. She was furious that all this misfortune had fallen on her, when she had tried to be good all her life. She was full of fury that she couldn't have X, that things had happened the way that they had. She didn't see her future anymore. She was afraid of hell. She just wanted to die and be done with it. Her fury billowed out in hot flames and consumed her. Then, she said, "I'm angry...furious...because I gave my heart away so foolishly and now I may never get it back." She wept bitterly, wept with agonizing pain from the depths of her soul and her being. He waited patiently for her. He listened closely because He knew where this sudden burst of emotion and anger would lead her. V cried out, "Help me! For they imprisoned me in a coffin made of giant, impossible walls of anger, regret, bitterness, remorse, guilt, shame, and disappointment. These walls are too much for me, I've been greatly weakened. Please don't leave me here! Tear down these walls surrounding my heart with Your Mighty hands and save me! Don't let them take me from You! I love You! I'm sorry I let them turn my against You and for being a fool! I did not know how to fight back when they broke my heart by taking X. Please, I bow before you in forgiveness." And so she pleaded with the tiny glint of hope and life that was still left in her dying heart.
That was what He had been waiting for. A mighty wind came from Heaven and pushed the fog back, far away from V. He came closer, put His giant warm hand on her head, and she was comforted. She understood, and broke the chains that were killing her. She grabbed the chains and pulled the horrible reptilian beasts to the ground and then swung them far away from her. She felt God's love and life flowing in her veins. He looked at her approvingly and said, "Only by the intense heat and pressure of the earth can a diamond be formed." He looked into her eyes and said, "This is only the first fight in thousands more to come. Now you truly know what you are up against. It hurt Me to allow all this pain," at this His eyes filled up with tears, "to happen to your heart, but experience was the only way to prepare you for war." V shuddered and grew sad at the thought of future doom. He saw her heart and said, "But you, deep down, relish the fight and long for the truth and to free others, my child, for I made you and prepared you that way," with a spark of pride in His eye. V laughed for she saw it was true. The fear and pain that had plagued her all this time then left her, for God was with her, and if God was for her then who could be against her? God had been there the entire time. Now she knew a little more. She would not permit them to pry her hand from God's ever again. And God blessed her and told her to go back to the light. She had to write it all down, lest she forget, or be made to forget. But also so that one day what she had written would be shared, so they could compare and comprehend, sympathize, learn, and take up the Sword (The Word of God) and fight for their hearts back as well.
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WAKING THE DEAD
V returned home, as soon as she could. Once she returned, she wanted to share her tale, but the time had not yet come. For now, V had the hard task of waking up her heart, for she had not had her heart beat in a long time. She had to rediscover herself all over again, or more intimidating, discover her true self for the first time and share it with the world.
She remembered that it was suicidal to go to war alone, for the enemy is in legions, as she had painfully experienced. So V began by seeking out her old friends. It was time to mend fences, mend friendships, and tell them the truth. It was difficult to share her tale with them, for they knew her when she was a different person, someone living from a false self. They didn't know about how she ran away with a married man, or as someone who had yelled at God, or be lost in the Fog. They didn't understand what she knew about The War or even that the enemy even existed. They would think she was crazy. They had only ever seen her charisma and light-heartedness. They knew her to be bad at keeping promises, bad at showing up on time, bad at friendship in general. Her friends knew a tiny bit of her true self, but never saw the rest of her.
V hoped that they would support her even if they didn't understand her talk about War against the Fog or the enemies, that they would feel compelled to trust her. She wanted to forge deeper ties with them. It would take quite some time though, for only experiences together could bring about the opportunity to bind together like brethren.
Besides friendship, V also knew that she needed to work on her heart. She needed to fill it with good things for only from out of the good stored in a man's heart does he share good things. V needed to figure out what God had put in her heart for her to love. She loved adventure, the wilderness. Slight danger. Lightning. Beauty in Nature and in people. Birdsongs. Music that was danceable. Painting. Reading and learning, seeking the Truth. Writing, sharing her tales. Riding and running fast. Good conversations. Laughter. The love of family and friends. Giving. Lending her strength. Trying new things. So that's where V started, with doing all those things she loved in order to get her heart to start beating again.
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THE QUEST FOR HER HEART
[to be continued...]
