Let me just tell you right now, guard your heart like a baby momma, because it is one painful bixatch to get it beating again once it stops.
It took a mighty hard slap to the face (not literally, though that might have done the trick and would have been less painful) and a lot of gut wrenching reality-facing to really, and I mean REALLY, get me out of the dark place my mind had been nesting in for the last 8 months. I thought that I had already sort of started to heal on my own, but I was horribly, horribly wrong.
I have been treating a lot of people like caca. Actually, not just people, but everything in general. I became consumed by so much anger, stemming from the pain of heartbreak and disappointment from the past two years, that last month that anger started to really take its hold. It felt like I was trapped behind giant black walls in every direction, walls made completely out of that fury, disappointment, bitterness, heartbreak, and sadness. However, it wasn't until last week or so that that fury welling up inside of me came lashing out like a fiendish blaze. I almost lost everything. My parents tried to get me to see how I had been acting lately. I almost lost my job for not controlling my temper at work. Obviously I wasn't that great to be around with my friends. I had nightmares. I gained a ton of weight. I would sit around and do virtually nothing all day. My heart was being consumed by flames of furious anger, and it was too much to hold back anymore. Basically, three years' worth of fury came blasting out of me and started a blaze that I had lost control of and couldn't put out.
Then my mom started channeling (the Holy Spirit). Let me just say this right now to get it out of the way, because I'm sure that a lot of you were with me until that last sentence, haha. My mom channels the Holy Spirit. It's like Heaven comes down to smack me around whenever she does it. I used to think it was just her "believing" she could do that sort of thing, but it's happened for a few years now that every single time she starts to channel, I get told about things that NO ONE knows. I mean, things that are buried really deep inside my heart that only I would know. That sounds cliche, but it's eerily true. My affair with that married man was brought up this time. I stood there with my mouth open.
The Holy Spirit said a lot of things, and tried to get me to understand, the nice way. Sadly, my anger was too much, I kept rolling my eyes and standing there defiantly, just angry through and through. Then the Holy Spirit said, "Fine. I can see you are stubborn. You always are. But this time you have gone too far. If you think you can do it alone, then so be it. We have been holding you up, supporting you unseen. Since you lash out at the hand of God, then we will retrieve Our hand and let it be what may to you."
My heart sank. I went to my room and got ready for bed. While I was lying there, I started to cry. So I prayed...and prayed, but it didn't seem to help at all. Then the words came tumbling out of my mouth like little pebbles of truth, "I'm so....ANGRY at You. I'm sorry, but I am so completely....FURIOUS with You, God." And that's when the real tears started. I told God everything, about how I was angry that He didn't warn me enough about X (the man I told you about before, the one who I shouldn't have fallen in love with, the one who broke my heart and left my dreams for a future shattered around me). I was angry that He let X come into my life, knowing how lonely I was and likely to be foolish. I was angry at the possibility that it was His test for me and that I failed miserably and only ended up in pain and anguish. I told God about all of it. Then the cornerstone of truth holding up those angry, furious walls that were keeping my heart locked in and breathless shot like an arrow out of my lips, "I'm angry because I gave my heart away, all of it, to the wrong man. I wasted all of what I had inside on something that caused me so much pain. I'm angry for being so foolish with my heart."
Once I had said that, I felt like...I know it's going to sound so weird to you, but I felt like Heaven was doing back-flips of joy. Like They had been waiting all along to for me to come to terms with that. That was the magic password to freedom. All that was left was to ask for help. So that's what I did. I asked God to use His Mighty hands to tear apart the walls that were keeping me from Him, those walls that were so tall and seemingly endless, that only God could smite. Those walls were the reason that I hadn't been able to pray in so long, the reason why it felt like I didn't even know how to pray anymore. I called out to God, and He came charging in, white horse and everything, to my rescue. Then I asked Him to breathe life into my heart once again, for it had stopped beating long ago.
And that's sort of where things are now.
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