Oh man, where do I even begin? Let's just keep it simple. I used to be awesome. Not as awesome as the Most Interesting Man in the World (you know, the Dos Equis guy). I mean, that guy is amazeballs. But I used to be somewhat quirky, quick-witted, entertaining, and positive. I was good at telling stories, whether real, ridiculous, or ridiculously real. I was hyper all the time, excited, just fun to be around. I was a better friend (I think, I need to double-check that tomorrow). My time was spent painting, writing cleverly, going out to explore different parts of town, playing soccer and basketball, and dreaming. I know that it doesn't sound like much, but I guess it's more the attitude that went along with all those things that made me....awesome. I remember when I used to hang out with Allison and Katrina, and there was so much to talk about, even if it was just random, sporadic tidbits that sprung from our minds. I remember what I was like on the inside, even though it was sometimes dark and angry (youth angst! lol) I remember having hope for a future and I could see clearly all the many potential paths that were laid out in front of me. The future seemed exciting. I'm not saying that I was super amazing or anything, but at least I had hope.
Flash forward to today and oh geez. I'm only a shell of what I used to be like. All that's left is the anger, frustration, temper, and hard-heartedness from that past that was never dealt with. Gone are the days when I used to dream. I don't dream anymore about anything. When I hang out with my friends, it takes all my energy to try to be upbeat and similar to how I used to be, but I feel so....shamefully fake when I do that. What is wrong with me? Has the past finally caught up to me?
However, I can't really blame it all on time or the past. There are a few other things that brought around the demise of my heart. Like falling in love with a man who I shouldn't have fallen in love with. He made me feel so full. Beautiful. Immortal. We talked about marriage, kids. I saw it all so clearly and I was filled to the brim with love and happiness. And then the wind blew just once, and it was all gone. He shredded my heart into microscopic confetti. It was the final of many wounds that had happened for years and years and years. My heart died and I had nothing left to offer anyone. I stayed out of sight for almost a year. It took me a long time to digest the fact that he was actually gone for good.
After that, I don't know. I stopped having hope. I couldn't see myself in the future at all. I felt like I was already dead, like a zombie (the lame, slow-walking kind that you can outrun, not even the cool kind that can run at super-human speed).
It really does take about a year to heal the heart, or rather to start the process. It's painfully slow. But the John Eldredge books put a lot of kick back in my arse (Waking the Dead). Now I'm seeking out my friends again, and soon I hope to start praying like I used t. I stopped praying when my universe split apart, when my heart stopped beating. To be honest, I tried quite a bit, cried a whole lot, but for some reason, it's like I don't even remember how to pray anymore. I'm completely disconnected. You can't exactly reach God without a heart.
So that is what this whole shebang is about: fighting for my heart back
Sincerely Sincere,
The [Zombie] Vidi
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